Archive for January, 2013

A quick note

Posted: January 17, 2013 in books

A father’s obsession has been removed from Amazon, this is because it is now being republished in June under Moon Rose Publishing. I have also removed Conceived from Evil , the second book in the series for obvious reasons 🙂

Personal Sacrifices

Posted: January 12, 2013 in books

How far would you go for those you love? We all at some point have sacrificed our needs for those we hold dear but when is the point where we stop? Where you get in so deep, time has taken its toll and you can no longer bring yourself to hurt the person you have made sacrifices for. So instead you suffer in silence, losing a piece of yourself everyday your life no longer has much meaning. A total shadow of your former self watching as the person you gave your all to, continues their life in blissful ignorance of your suffering.

You know if you saw a friend in a similar situation your advice would be to speak up for themselves, take control. You are in no position to give this advice when you yourself choose not to follow it. Waiting and hoping somehow things will change, some mysterious savior will come to your aid rescuing you from the situation you have put yourself in. The chances of this are slim, only you can get yourself out of it, the question is are you strong enough?

An Amazing read

Posted: January 8, 2013 in books

So as part of my 2013 to do list i have made for myself, i vowed to catch up on my reading list. Not an easy task since there is only one of me and probably a thousand books in my to read pile!

Finally having finished with my rewrite, i kind of skipped my actual to read list and tried out a few of my Facebook author friends work. Each were equally as good as each other and mostly in my usual reading genre. I did however read one which was a complete first for me. I have never really been interested in biographies but this one did however catch my attention.

I actually abandoned everything to read this book, i did not move until i had finished it! My lovely children took full advantage of this and i spent the rest of the day cleaning the house but it was worth it. I was totally blown away by this book, how anyone could go through these things and still survive is truly amazing. There was only ever one time in my life that i can even mildly relate to what he has been through, that in itself nearly tore me apart. To go through all of that leaves me in complete awe of this man’s strength.

The way he writes and tells his story draws you in completely. I doubt anyone could read this book and not feel totally heart broken, i know i was. Definitely an emotional rollercoaster ride to read bringing out all sorts of feelings for the reader, anger,protectiveness and sorrow to name a few. An absolute must read, the kind of book that still plays on your mind days after you have read it. I will definitely be reading any future work from this author.

Image

This is where you will find his book:

http://www.amazon.com/SURVIVING-THE-FOURTH-CYCLE-ebook/dp/B00AKOBYSI/ref=sr_1_4?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1357646970&sr=1-4&keywords=nathan+daniels

This is where you can check out his website:

http://survivingthefourthcycle.com/

 

A loss

Posted: January 8, 2013 in books

I have been considering writing this post for a while now, due to a forthcoming event and a recent book i read the time is now. So my sixteen year old daughter is due to give birth to my grandson in less than three months, yes i am completely aware of all remarks about teenage pregnancy. Blaming the parents blah, blah. Did i want this to happen? Hell no! I am strict with my teens, they have to come home at 7.30pm even though their friends are out much later. Even now sixteen and pregnant my daughter has to be in by 8pm. This however is not the subject of my post, most parents are excited to have a grandchild. Although not wanting to see their child in pain during childbirth is the normal reaction for worried grandparents to be, mine runs deeper. 

2004 was the worst year of my life, having had four children already i was pregnant with my fifth which would have been my fourth son. Totally normal pregnancy throughout i reach 38 weeks and woke up in the morning knowing that my son had died inside of me. How i knew for certain i really can’t say i just did, totally numb by then i went to the hospital where the scan confirmed what i already knew. I was given some sort of tablet to bring on labour and was told to go home, knowing that the cot and all the other stuff was there waiting i had to go elsewhere while my parents removed all that i had brought for him. They took the kids to stay with them i was in no fit state to look after them and to be honest at that time i am ashamed to say they didn’t even cross my mind nothing did.

Surrounded by other family members who where offering condolences hugs etc all i wanted was to just disappear, i remember praying that it was all just a dream keeping my hand on my stomach willing him to move again no one else mattered to me at that time. i stayed up all night on my own in the dark, there but not really my mind was totally blank. When i got to the hospital i was put in a room next to someone else who was in labour, the heart rate monitor of their babies heart beating loud and clear for me to hear. The cries of other babies on the ward reminding me of what i wouldn’t have. I refused pain relief needing to feel at least something, when he came out i was still praying everyone was wrong that i would hear him cry but it never happened.

The midwife asked if i wanted to hold him, i was not prepared for that. At first i couldn’t look at him then i wanted him so i held him. Looking down at my son so cold in my arms, no movement or beating heart killed part of me that day. i can’t even begin to describe how it felt, having to leave him behind that day never to see him again was just too much for me.

I refused to see a councilor, wouldn’t take any medication either. I didn’t want my kids back, i didn’t want anyone. I don’t remember the days after that, i know i went out of my way to hurt myself all i wanted was to be with my son nothing else mattered. Then i started playing the blame game, feeling like i did something to cause his death. My husband also blamed me saying i must have done something since the other four children were fine, i refused to let them do an autopsy no one was cutting open my baby. I have racked my brain over and over for years and not once come up with any reason that i may have caused it, the doctors at the time said they think it may have been his heart but i guess we will never know. His death changed me for life, he took a big part of me with him that day and i will never be the same. After all the hurtful things we said through those dark moments i don’t think my marriage will ever be the same either. During times like these you either support each other through them or it will tear you apart, sadly mine was the second option.

We did go on to have another two children after, through both pregnancies i barely slept i was a complete wreck but what eased it slightly was that they were both girls. When my daughter announced she was having a boy my blood ran cold, now everything is fresh in my mind as it was all those years ago and i am terrified that history will repeat itself. I can only hope that it was some twist of fate that it happened to me, a one off never to be repeated in my bloodline.

You never get over something like that, the pain doesn’t lessen. Writing this now i am crying my eyes out. I never talk about it to anyone, it takes me to places i don’t want to go. When we meet new people and they ask how many children we have i always say six but my husband chooses to include my son. This is the point where i will walk away, i refuse to explain where my seventh child is. I know exactly how many children i have had, how many i actually have by my side is six. My seventh child will always be in my heart and my mind.

Not the nicest of posts but one i really had to tell, if anyone has been through a similar experience i would love to hear from you i haven’t actually spoken to anyone who has been through having a stillborn child